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Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell? Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year
Running over the same old ground, what have we found?
The same old fears, wish you were here

Time is Standing Still

I feel as though time has no meaning anymore, just waiting for the days to pass. It’s a bit ridiculous in a sense because so many things are the same. I still work, I still play games, I still cook, I still eat, I still learn, so many things are the same.

And yet, it’s not is it? I feel at times just like I’m waiting. Waiting to invite friends over, waiting to reconnect with friends and other I haven’t connected with as much. I sometimes often think about all the wasted time. I could learn more, I could exercise more, I could work more. And yes, I know it’s a trope by now that you need to be kind to yourself because of the pandemic. But still… It at times just feels like an excuse. And I say this for myself, I’m not saying that it’s not a total clusterfuck for so many people. But we don’t have kids, we don’t have any family who are sick, we only know a few people who are on the frontline / essential. This thing should just wash of our backs no?

And yes, there are a few bigger things at play. The world is literally in a state of chaos, the US is tearing itself apart and that won’t be good for anybody, especially not a country that relies heavily on the US such as Canada. But I have a hard time shaking that feeling of needing to be more and do more. Thankfully mediation is helping, I’m using Waking Up and I quite enjoy it. If you want to care less about the fact that time is standing still…. it’s worth a try.

Google kinda sucks

Recently I’ve been more and more impressed by just how bad Google’s products are. It reminds me of Microsoft in the late 90s. They have a solution for everything, it’s terrible, but people still use it because of the network effect.

I’ll go in detail in later posts but basically, google calendar hasn’t been updated in… ever? Google keeps being able to fuck up doing a messaging application. Android Auto? It’s amazing when it works…. Which is about half the time… Google maps? It was revolutionary when it came out, remember mapquest? But now, when I left to go pick up my prescription today it offered me to go to an address I haven’t gone to in almost a year and won’t be going back to.

There seems to be 2 general problems, one is usability and the other is shitty machine learning. Like I said I’ll have a few rants on them individually, but it’s so interesting to me how Google became what it was fighting (the big large monopolistic tech companies). I guess history just repeating itself.

The problem with washrooms

The pandemic and the lock-downs have highlighted a great many problems. One unexpected one of places being closed is the lack of public washrooms. I don’t think Ottawa has a single public washroom that one can just go to. Before it was pretty easy, I could stop at any Tim’s, or a random restaurant and just use the washroom. But now, it’s not possible and that’s problematic when you drink way too much water in a day.

Of course this problem hasn’t just appeared so to say. It’s been a problem for many people before, but much like many things with the pandemic it’s shown folks I think a side of some of the challenges of people who are less socioeconomically advantaged. I can walk into any restaurant and ask to sue the washroom without anyone ever saying no. I “look” like a customer. But the challenge with the lack of public washroom has been present for folks who live on the streets. It’s just brought to light something others have already been dealing with.

I hope you’re doing okay

Odds are we haven’t talked much. This year has been a bit weird for that. It at times felt like the lack of in person activities just stuck and transferred itself to online. That or just virtual meeting fatigue.

Regardless of how often we have or haven’t interacted, I’ve been thinking a lot about others and how they are doing thru this crazy year. Part of it is because of my focus on Buddhism (without belief) and meditation.

All that say is that even if I haven’t reached out, know that I care for you, I miss you, and I hope we’ll be able to meet again in 2021.

The rebirth of expertise

By now everyone knows, and it’s potentially become a true-ism that experts are not relevant anymore. TED talks((Too lazy to find the best ones)), books, think pieces, etc all tout the distribution of knowledge, the wisdom of the crowds as having vanquished the experts.

Everyone knows you should look at the amazon review to see if it’s good or not. I mean review sites online can be bought or sold or etc.

The problem is that, like most things, once everyone thinks it’s true, it probably no longer is.

Every Amazon seller is gaming the review system. Both boosting themselves and also trying to take down the competition with fake reviews and fake returns.

The pandemic, and the US election has also proven how, let’s say sub-optimal, the wisdom of the crowd is. Recently I basically put more trust into Wirecutter reviews than anything else. I suspect the pendulum has already started to swing back and trust and expertise will be once again prioritized.

Or at least I hope.

Death has a way of putting things in perspective

In the last few years 3 people I knew who were my age died. Twice of cancer and one suicide. I’m still at an age where any death is tragic and death has a way of putting things in perspective.

I remember having a close call with someone very close to me who was suicidal. Those times really helped me put things in perspective.

I’ve always been good under pressure (which confuses folks because of the anxiety) and I remember a time working at VIP when some site went down and we may of caused data loss. I remember telling a coworker who felt anxious that they didn’t need to worry because no one died and no one will die from pageviews missing, even if it goes into the 100s of thousands of pageviews. I’m lucky in that I’m in a field where the chance of my mistake causing death is minimal and I feel for those who day in and day out have to accept that the consequences of their actions may be death.

Death also minimizes everything else. Being frustrated with a friend, a lover, a relationships (of any type) that broke down, all these things seem, unimportant. Why hold on to that pain? Why hold on to that resentment and anger when things are so fragile? Why choose to stay hurt and to not move forward when we’re a heartbeat away from nothingness?

I’ve been guilty of this, In the past and even now. So why is it that it’s so hard to let go and to make amends? Not only with others but with ourselves.

To radically accept what happened and see it for what it is. A lifeless memory from the past that shouldn’t take precedence on the living moment.

I know some folks will, rightfully, point out that there is a reason for this pain, that it’s purpose is to teach us a lesson. It’s there so we don’t just keep putting our hand on a hot stove or keep engaging in patterns that harm us. I think that’s distinct from accepting the past (or the present) and to make amends with it. It’s not that you forget what happened. It’s that you accept what happened and become at peace with it and the people involved.