Tag Archives: All posts

impermanence and lost videos

I recall this video I saw once. It was a bit cheesy, you know most of it being a voiceover of nature scenes and the like. It touched upon impermanence and mentioned Nietzsche and some other philosopher sending each other letters and one (I’m going to guess Nietzsche really) talked about how impermanence was sad. And the other on how impermanence meant that this moment, this present moment you just witnessed was special, was unique.

At some point it pivots to Buddhism and the acceptance of impermanence being part of the noble truths. Something that a main cause of suffering, is not accepting how everything is transient.

At times I feel silly for liking some of those “I’m a hippy and philosophize about life” but I often find it’s good reminder. A bit like how people shit on quotes, but I really like them.

I’ve tried to find that video. I mean, I even looked on vimeo, (and looked thru my youtube history) And I don’t know if I’m using the wrong word. Kinda like how memory will trick you. Maybe the term was transience… Anyway, if anyone finds it, post it in the comments.

Feedback and gratification

It’s easy to shit on Facebook. That they and many technology companies have co-opted our need for gratification with gamification. And to be clear, I’m not saying they haven’t. Anyway, recently I received a few messages on the blog posts. Most of them very encouraging, some of them asking if I was okay.

Funnily enough, the past 6 posts were all written in the span of one hour Friday and scheduled to be posted. I think that’s why it’s easy to see a trend since there was a trend, but it was all in the span of one hour and not over 3 days, which means all the emo music didn’t really have a sort of long term message or anything. (seriously, this post is going to be published at 7 am. I’m never up at 7 am)

But back to the “point” of this post. It in a sense surprised even myself how much those messages from folks saying they enjoy the blog posts made me feel good. Like, ridiculous just smile to yourself good.

It made me think of social media co-opting this feeling and it made me wonder. Is it actually Social Media’s fault for using this? Or is the fault actually more in terms of how we live now a days? The lack of real communities where we belong. Yes, in a sense we’re more connected than ever and yes, it is easier to join a community, especially when you don’t feel like you fit in with those immediately around you.

I guess this is turning out to be one of those “What if the problem was inside of us all along?” kind of posts. And again, I don’t want to say the tech companies don’t have things to answer for. But perhaps we just need to fill this human need another way to be less susceptible to those tactics…

Sadly, I don’t think I have the answer to what that is.

Dormir Dehors

Une chansons que j’aimais vraiment quand j’étais jeune c’était Dormir Dehors par Daran et les chaises. C’était un des genre 12 CD que on avais a la radio étudiante a l’école et presque chaque fois que j’étais le “DJ” je la jouait.

Je suis pas sur a 100% ce qui m’attirais à la chanson a se temps la. Mais j’ai toujours aimer la chanson. je l’ai retrouver cla une coupe d’année et je pense que je l’apprécie encore plus. Et maintenant je comprends ce que y veut dire quand y mentionne “cuisine équipées”. C’est pu juste une random ligne qui fait pas de sense.

More Songs, Love & Heartbreak

Seriously, the live version of this gives me chills.
I want Bono to sing to me like that
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
Well I can’t do that
And there’s no turning back
I need time to move on
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how
Okay, maybe it doesn’t fit with all the others but man, Beyoncé is awesome, right?

Emo Songs

I think I was very emo in my teens / early 20s. I don’t recall that being a term at the time. But then again, vocabulary was never my (or rural Manitoba’s) strong suit. Regardless, I find some songs and music bring me back to that time. Not necessarily in a “I’m back in depression when I hear these songs” kinda way (although that has been the case in the past and I’m sure if I listen to too much of them it would happen). But rather in a I appreciate my past kind of way.

After posting a few of them I almost feel like they could each have context attached to them…. Maybe one day I’ll repost them one at a time and give a short explanation (Yes, there’s a lot of Radiohead).

Friendly Canadians / Rude Americans

I was in line for passport check at the pre-screening for the US border and someone from the back of line asked people individually if he could go in front of them because he had a connections. Everyone said yes and one lady chimed in, with a pretty self inflated tone that of course we will because it’s Canadians here and Americans wouldn’t even acknowledge him or let him pass. I kinda rolled my eyes because I feel that’s just an inflated stereotype and being full of yourself for the tribe you belong to is pretty silly. So needless to say I was feeling pretty high and mighty with my self awareness.<


But just the next day, I pulled a chair away from the rest to sit off to the edge of the room to be away from the noise to take a phone call and this guy comes straight for me. Pretends to not notice me and bump into me and then goes “Hey dummy you’re in the way, move your chair back to where it was”. Now to give you context, the whole room is empty except for a few tables and chairs. This guy had to purposefully go out of his way to fake run into me.

I know 2 data points don’t make a sample size, but for a second I was like… ugh… why did I even try to defend this…..

You Don’t Know What You Have Until It’s Gone

There’s a silly cliché / quotes that says

“You don’t know what you have t’ill it’s gone”.

Probably a repo guy

And as cliché as it is. I think it’s true.
It’s probably linked to hedonic adaptation, where things that used to make us happy don’t after a while. Winning the lottery wears off, getting a raise wears off, that new “thing” you bought that made you so happy, wears off. etc etc.

I suspect that might be why things like retreats or lent are so effective to get people to be grateful. If you go without something or someone for a while, you appreciate it more… At least until you re-adapt again 😉

How Am I Not Myself?

My second favourite movie is I heart Huckabees (First is Memento). It bills itself as an existential comedy, which you know, fits my genre. It explores some of the absurdities with life, meaning and nihilism. One great line in it is when Lily Thomas’s character asks

“What do you think would happen if you didn’t tell the stories? Are you being yourself?”

I heart Huckabees

And the answer Judd Law’s character gives helped me with a big struggle I had with my mental health.

For many years I worried greatly about how my behaviour changed when taking my meds. I wasn’t as pessimistic, I didn’t ruminate as much, I didn’t spend as much time thinking about how the world is fucked. I struggled with it because there’s an easy trope to fall into and it’s of the tortured genius. It’s easy to point to great thinkers in the past who were tormented.

There’s also a bunch of folks online who think taking meds and “fighting” their mental health struggles makes them sheep. It’s easy to think this. Just think of Brave New World, 1984, and most dystopian books. The thinking is that if you move your focus away from everything that’s broken, if you don’t stay focused on the wrongs on the world, on the flaws of humanity, you can’t solve the problem.

It’s a very appealing theory. It means that all that suffering you’re doing, is not in vain. You’re not wrong to feel this way. It justifies the pain, both the past pain and the present pain. It means all that time I suffered wasn’t my fault for not changing myself, it’s everyone else who is too weak to sit with the darkness.

I’m not even sure who, but I think it was an aunt who, when I was 17-18, gave me a quote from George Bernard Shaw.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself”.

George Bernard Shaw

When Judd law is asked “What do you think would happen if you didn’t tell the stories? Are you being yourself?” he answers

“How am I not myself?”

I Heart Huckabees

Both existential detectives then keep repeating and pondering “How am I not myself?”

And once it sinks in, once you realize the absurdity of saying or even asking if you’re not yourself you in a sense free yourself from all expectations.
You cannot be anything but yourself. That doesn’t mean you’ll always be pleased with yourself. That you can’t improve yourself. Just that there is no need to worry if you’re yourself. Because you can’t be anyone but yourself.

(And yes, this means that, even given the good intentions, I’m not a huge fan of the “not myself” mental health campaign which implies that you can or should be someone different.)

Sometimes a Kettle isn’t just a Kettle

I’ve started drinking tea to replace my decaf coffee and we had given away our kettle in one of our “we don’t use this, so let’s give it away” cleanse, so we needed a kettle. Now, I tell myself I’m not a fan of consumerism and I don’t think the world needs more stuff in it, we already have enough stuff. So I went to value village to get a kettle.

We go there and we look at the kettles and they are all dirty white and are about $15. We had been using a friend’s kettle and it didn’t seem to have auto shut off, and well given my memory, it’s something we need. But kettles don’t really have model numbers that you can look up to see if it’ll auto shut off.

I don’t know to what extent it’s the auto shut-off, the fact that they looked dirty white or what, but I was just like… I can just get a kettle I know will work from Amazon for $15.

So when I get home I start looking and then looking way too much into kettles and reviews of different kettles and end up buying a new $35 kettle. And guess what, it boils water just as well as the other ones did I’m sure.

The realization that this is now me. That I am the kind of person who will buy a new kettle instead of getting a used one bothered me a bit. Is that who I want to be? I guess I’m not really sure… But it seems to be who I am…

Meta Blogging Thoughts, Memory and Song Lyrics

One thing I struggle with these blog posts is that I have a tendency to ramble on. The post on memory really could of gone in multiple direction. What got me thinking on the topic is actually that I couldn’t find the song with the lyrics I had in my head which were “And I wonder if you think of me too”

I’m figured out that the beat I had in my mind was from:

I think the part I was humming was “I don’t know if you feel the same as I do”. Really there are many parts in the song that are very close and it would easily fit in with the rest of the song.

Regardless, while writing the post on memory I was like… no one gives a shit about me humming the wrong lyrics. I should write something (put on monocle) erudite (a word for smart you’d in academia).

So then I was like, I can link it to the hypocrisy post. Or wait! I can link it about how we create our past selves and we fabricate a past that will justify our actions and somehow slide in that everyone needs to watch Memento. Seriously though, if you haven’t seen it, it’s my favourite movie of all time.

I think part of the problem causing this is that I somehow feel an obligation to have good content here. But I’m not exactly sure why…. For my 30 followers? For the 12 people who read the posts? It’s not like I’m trying to become an influencer or build my mailing list or something. It’s just legit random thoughts…. And yet…